VeryFine

Damn

I had this one person who made me think more, who made me want to better myself; especially my physical self. This was a person who I couldn’t write pieces fully. I had trouble doing so. It took me 15 years to get my life back on track because Amazon took a chance and hired me. I was shocked by this. My life was changing. I met this woman who I did not try and get with, who I admired from a distance due to the short amount of time that we talked. She was smart.

And then it started to go downhill after the last time we had talked. I tried to fix it several times. And during that course of time, a part of me that was created by another woman started to gain traction. A seed was planted, and it was growing fast. I tried to cut it off at the pass but it would find another way. It would grow bigger, powerful. There was so many times that I had actually wanted to talk to her, but I didn’t. I didn’t want that anger unleashed at her. I didn’t want to cause her anymore pain. I didn’t know from all the times that I caught her looking at me, whether that was a cue to go and talk with her or not.

So I never did.

Then when she got hurt on the job, I went and inquired with her about it, she went off on me. Like the hate towards me had been brewing, had been bottled up. She unleashed it, short powerful key points. It scared me and hurt me. Then March came. A series of events had started on March 3rd. Something that didn’t deal with her. It dealt with Safety and Learning. It was on my mind along with her when the second event happened. I ended up losing a double stack load I was moving. I felt like a failure to my boss. She was there when it happened. I’m sure she gloated about it with others behind my back. The third event then happened. It was a two part event. A woman, who I thought would help me sort out something with this first woman, had basically set me up for I had went off on her through a text outside of working hours. She gave to the first woman and I was out of a job not long after that.

Then more things continue to happen. More Failures. Told God that I would let him handle things with her and the other woman. I don’t recall if I forgave them or not. The one I admired, I could. The other one, not so much……

We may not have been something but my life was different because of her. I saw hope in myself. But not anymore. I’m struggling right now. A repeat of 2009 & 2016 happening all at once. I don’t want to say goodbye, I don’t want the happiness that I saw or had to end. The worst part is, knowing that she may not feel the same or anything at all.